Someone actually said these words to me the other day. Strangely enough, this statement made sense to me.
The reason her statement made sense to me is because I knew the context. It reminded me that all of us may have trouble understanding the meaning of what someone says if we don’t fully understand the speaker’s context. And yet, we assign meaning to the words people say to us all the time without having the slightest idea of what the other person really means.
I’m reminded of a time when my boss told me, “You need to be on time for my staff meetings.” My boss held his staff meeting at 8:00 am on Wednesday mornings and I was having trouble getting to them on time. I was arriving 10 to 15 minutes late to at least one meeting a month. He was justified in saying this to me. I knew that he was telling me that he was very disappointed in my tardiness. After all, if I respected him and I thought that his meetings were important, then I’d make sure that I got to them on time. Wouldn’t I? In addition, if I didn’t start showing up for his meetings on time, then he was probably going to take disciplinary action and he would be justified in doing so, because I was clearly at fault. This was the meaning I put on his statement.
I felt ashamed and I looked down at the ground and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be late. I’m commuting a long way and the traffic in the mornings is very unpredictable. I’ll make an extra effort to get here on time. I want you to know that I think that your meeting is very important and I mean no disrespect when I’m late.”
He gave me a puzzled look and said, “Oh, it’s not that! I want you to be on time so that you can fully participate in our discussions. Your input is very valuable. You often have a point of view that is different from the rest of my staff and because of that I always want to hear your opinion. When you are late, I don’t always get your input on things that are going on. So, I would appreciate it if you could be on time. Thanks!” (big smile on his face)
Obviously, this experience stayed with me over the years because it represented a significant learning for me: I might not really understand what someone means unless I have sufficient information.
So, when someone says something “rude” to me, or someone says something “disrespectful”, I try to remember that I might want to gather more information before I respond.
By the way, this person was responding to a question I had asked her. I asked, “Do you want Half and Half or non-fat milk in your coffee?”
A few weeks ago we took a quick weekend trip to Tahoe for some skiing. Starting under the milky shadows of the moonlight, with the stars still shining brightly, we packed up the kids and began the four hour drive, dreaming of the year’s first snowy run. We were making great time, sailing along the orchards and dramatic hillside pastures as the sun painted a pastel breakfast.
With ~50 miles to go we reached the snow line, as well as the point where chain law was in effect on the roads. The area had gotten nearly two feet of snow the day before. The sun was shining brightly, but the snow was still a bit packed on the roads, so….chains. There were signs posted (regularly) that said 25 MPH, but….c’mon, I thought they were more of a guideline. After all, I grew up driving on the rock and dirt roads of rural Kansas in all kinds of crazy weather.
Soon we were stuck behind a little brown pickup doing about 20. We named him Mr. Pokey. I scowled. I silently fumed. We had been making such good time and now Mr. Pokey was determined to make our journey twice as long as it needed to be! 20! Are you kidding me!
Back at home, we hadn’t just been burning the candles at both ends….the entire candle was on fire in a blaze of activity. I had said “yes” to a few too many things. Inside, I was a cold steel knot of stress. Mr. Pokey was keeping me from the snow! We were racing towards fun. I punched it during the next long straightaway and we all waved happily at Mr. Pokey, shaking our heads at his overwhelming caution.
With the iPod cranked and the kids dancing in their seats, we were free to fly again. And that’s when we saw him….”Mr. Mountain Sheriff”. I drew my lips in a tight line as I pulled over, red lights flashing on his black SUV. I knew immediately. There would be no warning. I had already passed over all of life’s warnings. I had seen the signs that I needed a break from life’s fast lane, but I didn’t heed their cautionary signals. So…a ticket.
I drew a deep breath as I took it all in. The meaning was clear. It was a waking dream, where life’s events line up just so to give us a lesson. If we listen carefully to life’s gentle rhythm’s, we see these all around us. For me, I had missed the gentle nudges telling me to slow down (in life). Actually, not quite true. I had seen the signs but had chosen to keep moving fast, at a speed which was not healthy over the long journey.
I also knew, really clearly, that if I didn’t catch this lesson, the next one wouldn’t be so nice. I had the choice to self-correct, or face some more serious consequences that would force a slowdown in the pace of life.
As we sat waiting for Mr. Mountain Sheriff to deliver his not-so-sweet justice, a small brown pickup passed us by. Mr. Pokey drove by with a big smile on his face, secure in the knowledge that he was already at his destination.
A friend of mine and I were chatting about getting married. Having been through my own nuptial planning not long ago, I was greatly aware of the pressure brides feel to manage a lot of moving parts, and the opinions of family and friends. In addition to planning a wedding, she had a lot of other big life changes that she was dealing with as well. As many folks across the country, she was faced with being out of a job. To add to the pressure, she and her fiance made the decision to move in together to save costs. Well, this relieved one kind of stress, but it added a new one, the fact that she hadn’t lived with anybody for years.
As we talked about all the life changes she was facing, and she also mentioned that there were so many things that were setting her off and this was frustrating her even more. Hearing the tension in her voice, I said to her – “Jane, you are not yourself right now. Give yourself a break. With the amount of change in your life, you are going to be acting in ways that are not ‘normal’ for you. When anyone is placed in a position of high change and high stress, we all act a little abnormal.” As if a light bulb had gone off, she said, in a much lighter tone – “You are right! I have been under a lot of change and stress, and that must be why things I thought I had taken care of are creeping back in.” She was so relieved to realize that the game had changed temporarily, and that meant new rules to maintain a certain amount of stability within herself and her relationship.
The thing to note here is that it is not just the number of changes/pressures you are dealing with, it can be the intensity that may set you off into a pattern of behavior that is not your “standard”. If you ever find yourself acting out in ways you thought you had resolved with a relationship or in ways that are unusual to you, spend some time assessing your life and where your energy is going. Decide, based on that, what “rules” may need to change for you, including things you may need to “let go of” permanently or temporarily. Also, make a list of those stand-bys that give you energy and make sure you are giving yourself an added dose to help you move forward in a productive way. In no time things will evolve and stabilize, helping you move forward in even better and more fulfilling ways!!
There’s always a bigger game at play. I love sports – this is one of my favorite stories.
One of the true tests of a great leader is not what happens when you’re there, but what happens when you’re not there. What a great moment for the coaches, teachers, and parents of these young women.